That pure Cane Spirit since 1848.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Ruth Archer is a two-timing Slag!

I’m sorry Pat, but I shall not be silenced!

Ruth Archer!
Rev up your tractor and **** off out of it!

Saturday, October 21, 2006


Kim Ayres.

Tradecraft it’s called. An ability much prized by western security agencies.

Scotland was pouring forth it’s bounty upon the land, upon the motorways and upon our undeserving heads in long vertical streams of soaking wet goodness.
So as I parked, there was not a soul to be seen. Noone, no dog, no birds no tumbleweed, no nothin‘.
I hopped out and bent back into the car for my jacket. I put it on and turned round.
Holy Mary Mother of Christ!
“Hi Ack.”
“Hi Kim.”
As we walked to the entrance of the licensed premise, I took note of the fact that there were no cars, side streets, doorways, lanes, shops, vennels, alleyways, from which he might have sprung.

Some hours later, as we parted, our plan of action agreed,
I deliberately kept an eye on him as he stood there, inscrutable in the rain, watching me, even as I slung my jacket in the back.
I had to turn to get into the car, a matter of seconds only…and he was gone!

I stopped for petrol three times on the road, changing my route, doubling back, you know the drill. I had to be sure.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

That Old Boolean Chestnut

The gates to Heaven and Hell are guarded by identical looking angels.
One always tells the truth, the heaven one, and one always lies, the beastly Hell one.
You must decide which portal to pass through.
You are allowed only one question, which you may ask of either of the guardian angels.

How can you be sure of passing through the portal of your choice?

Update: Old Knudsen has cleverly reminded me. The angels sometimes swop doors when they get a bit bored.

You know the kind of thing. All doormen do it. This often weeds out the fly men who turn up still wearing their bunnets! Put that in yer ectoplasm and smoke it Knudsen.

Late Update: We have a WINNER!

Tattieheid! Well done that man! First rate!

And my goodness Kav was touching the prize too. What clever people there are round here.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Peace In Our Time.

There is a common confusion between the terms democracy and majority rule.

Once in power, a government that panders only to those who voted for it quickly becomes divisive. Modern European governments fearful of this, and in realisation that they represent all their population, make sure that they keep their actual dogma quiet.

Margaret Thatcher was wonderful at posturing her right wing views to Tory voters but in cold economic analysis her years saw a massive expansion of public services and spending*. The similarity with the current Labour government is striking.

In Afghanistan and Iraq, we use the term “defending democratically elected governments” to explain our continuing occupation. No mention is made of any sizable minorities who may have a totally different outlook. THEY are insurgents.
650 000 killed and counting.

And so, on to that windswept but uninteresting town in Fife. Home of Scotland’s patron saint, inventor of golf and universities, that’s right! St Andrews, and that

historic peace agreement in full.

“If you, can forget the disenfranchisement, the army, the B Specials, the RUC, the Paras, any other instrument of state subjugation and
killing of working class people for going to the wrong pub,

we, will forget the bombs and shootings and the intimidation and killing of working class people for going to the wrong pub.

From whence we may all proceed like modern nations the world over and worry about our mortgages and jobs and washing machines and Tuscan holidays…

Deal or No Deal?
Whatcha say? "


Bertie Ahern, leader of a government that has taken Ireland to the highest per capita income in the E.U. (purchasing power parity) must have been quaking in his boots.

“Please God, don’t give us the Ulstermen. You keep em Tony.”

And Tony would be thinking;

“Come on Bertie, take them, please, they’ll be no bother now, I promise. Look, I’ll give you my phone number and you can call me any time. We’re all in Europe now, the old borders are coming down, we’re homogenising. Christ man, you all LOOK the same! Perleease Bertie, don’t be sticking. Whatdya say?”


* The Thatcher government was at it’s most divisive when it allowed Conservative dogma to privatise public utilities and its criminal monetarist policies to mismanage the national economy. John Major’s government repaired some of that damage, was less divisive, and was re-elected on the strength of it.

Thursday, October 12, 2006


House values collapsed last night as the warlords and traffickers of third world Balkan republic Zenda, taught England a lesson in football ineptitude.
In the most humiliating display of amateur ineptitude for a generation, the English national side slumped to its most inept defeat for a generation.

“We were rubbish. Totally hopeless.” was what England manager whasisname (53) might have said.
“We were utterly bereft of any cogent idea of how the modern game is played.”
Was another.

When told of the result, the latest in a string of inept defeats for the millionaire superstars, ashen faced prime minister Blair declared:

“If Zenda had any hope of joining the European Union, they can **** right off!
At least until they learn how to lose like honest Englishmen.”

In other news, a corrupt referee helped slimy cheats Ukraine, defeat plucky Scotland by the slenderest of 2 : 0 margins.

The Mail says: NO to Europe and that Irishman ‘Dr.’ Paisley.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Part 18?

Bananas, will our torment ever be at an end?” Asked Ayres piteously, while stretching out for the marmalade pot, from which he took a generous spoonful to spread on the remaining piece of toast.

We had returned to Baker Street by night sleeper, and were now restored by the ministrations of Mrs Hudson.

“Mrs Hudson,” I said, “once again we are replete. Now if Ayres would only give me a fill of shake for my pipe, I would deem the favour paid twice over and be forever in his grateful debt.”

She had done us proud. She had served the last of the summer cantaloupes as a refreshing fruit cocktail to clear our palate for the devilled kidneys.

"Why, thank you Doctor,” she smiled, “Dr Watson always says that my melons are the best he ever…”

The last words were lost as the kindly Scotch housekeeper shut the door.

That great detective had remained silent, but turned to us now, deep lines of concern on his noble brow.

“We must return to Alucard forthwith, before our absence is discovered.” he said.

At these alarming words, a vile hissing raspberry broke from Ayres end, of the table.
We both turned to him. He seemed to have shrunk an inch or two in his craven funk.

“Take heart Ayres,” I encouraged, “we shall face the dangers with you.”

Ayres slumped further and another loud, shameful emission met my stout words. It was most disconcerting watching the man shrink before us, losing control. I was on the point of opening a window when

“Your pneumatic peace-ring Ayres!” exclaimed Bananas. “It seems you have a puncture.”

Sure enough, the inflatable seat given him by Dr Evil, now lay flat and joyless beneath him.

Further conversation was interrupted however by Ayres’ apparatus in the corner, as the brass bell rang, the lights flashed and the paper tape issued from the slot designed solely for that purpose. With a sigh, Ayres went to investigate.

“Read it out, Ayres!” shouted The Finest Intellect in the Empire.

“It’s only the association football results, G.B.” muttered Ayres over his shoulder.
“Humour us Ayres, I’m expecting something over the wire this day.”

“…….Wales 1, Bohemia 5, ……Denmark nil, Ulster nil,…...Cyprus 5, Ireland 2,….England nil, Macedonia nil...... Scotland 1, France nil, ………..Have run off to Gretna with Miss Sarah Evil. Getting hitched….El. B.……”
“Say that again!” Exclaimed Bananas in great agitation.
“England nil Macedonia nil.”
“Not that bit you fool! The other bit!”
“Sorry G.B., em, where was I?...Scotland 1, France nil!”
“Give me that tape Ayres!” demanded the marvellous ape.

“I think this calls for a celebration.” I suggested.

It would seem that the doubters are correct. The cluster map people have a jiggered counter on their hands and are blaming me.

But man, I can’t explain it. For a minute there, I walked with the Huttons and all that lot. For the briefest fleeting seconds I was, I can’t explain, it was like….
Ah it’s all just vanity.
I should have known better.

Pat. I would advise that you get one. They’re great fun.

And Sarah, I’d forgotten about the monkey!

Friday, October 06, 2006

That really WAS some party!

I got this email!!!

SUMMARY: Your ClustrMaps daily visit limit has been exceeded multiple times, but here is an idea to help avoid repeated occurrences, since such occurrences may result in removal of your counter from our database.


Dear ClustrMaps user,

Although we do not want to monitor the ClustrMaps service too heavily, we have noticed that the number of visits per day logged on your site by our counter recently was 22532, which exceeds the normal daily allowed limit of 2500.

We try to treat the limit in a very lenient fashion, especially given that there can be local peaks or spikes in internet traffic. However, for anyone going over that limit on a fairly consistent basis, we send out this message.


PLEASE NOTE: Regrettably, under our current Terms of Service (see our Legal page), repeated occurrence of this situation may result in us REMOVING YOUR COUNTER from our database, in which case you will then start to see an empty map appearing. We try to avoid this whenever possible, which is why we send out these rather long emails first! However, if you suddenly start seeing empty thumbnail maps on your site, that is the reason.

ClustrMaps is has been designed to handle an enormous number of users for FREE, but this only works for users typically processing less than the normal daily limit of 2500 on their websites.


Please feel free to get in touch directly if you have any specific questions.

All the best,

-The ClustrMaps team

OR is some computer literate person like Kim Ayres (just for arguments sake) pulling my chain with some sort of comment robot bomb internet thing?

Monday, October 02, 2006

Have any of you watched “Lost” on the telly?

I walked away from the very first, much hyped episode, to avoid domestic strife.
You see, the plane had just crashed big time onto a beach, yet there was one of the turbines still going strong, throttle stuck open at cruising rpm by the look of it.
Not only that, but some poor fellow then got sucked up the intake, whereupon the thing went off like an atom bomb.
Now, before I could offer my technical objections, Mrs Maroon had her hand up to cut me off:

“Don’t you say a word, not one fucking word, Maroon.”

She takes her willing suspension of disbelief too seriously that one. Anyway, I’ve seen bits in passing since. That wee hobbit’s in it. Not that one, the other one, and I saw a man get a portcullis thing come down on his leg.
The TV is rubbish since they stopped Stingray. That Mitchell and Webb look is good. (Thursdays 9:30 BBC2)

Sunday, October 01, 2006

OK, more party games!

This time it’s quotes from films (sorta) We will just have to do our best and that’s that.

Ok, you start……………………………….......................................

I’ll do it!

1] “ We’re gonna need a bigger boat…”
Jaws! Andraste and monstee

You get the idea?
Meet me halfway here.

2] “ it again Sham…”
Casablanket! Andraste Pat Kim Monstee

3] “...the namesh Bond, Jamesh Bond…”
Big Sean as Bond! Pat Monstee

4] “…Yeah Baby, yeah!…”
Austin Allegro! Sam Monstee

5] “…as God is my witness, I will never be hungry again…”
Gone with the wind! Andraste Pat Monstee

6] “Well, hey Boo,…Don’t call him that, Scout…”
To Kill a Mockingbird Andraste Monstee

7] “you ever been in a Turkish prison?”
Airplane! Kim Monstee

8] “…it’s like Mom’s apple pie!…”
American Pie! Monstee

9] “ Saigon. Shit! I’m still only in Saigon…”
Apocalypse Now! Kav and Monstee

10] “…Why am I Mr Brown? It sounds like shit or something…”
Resevoir Dawgs Kim and Monstee

11] “Did you ever pick your feet in Poughkeepsie? Did you?…”
F C U K! Monstee

12] “…Swim? Swim? Why the fall’ll probably kill you!…”

Butch Cassiday and the Sundown Kid Andraste Pat Sam & Monstee.

Good News Everyone!

They’re going to stay. Well hoooray!
When I think about it, that's all that matters.
I was surprised at Mrs director. “don’t you want to get back to your responsibilities?” I asked in all innocence.
“I’m sure everythings fine” she answered over the top of her kir, which we are all agreed is the best drink for ages.
There you have it, my experiment in fusion celebrations is working out fine.

Come on, try the lyrics quiz!!!!

Party games!

Binty’s come up with a good one; a POPTASTIC sing-along-a lyrics quiz.
and you’ve to guess the tune and or singer. There will be prizes.

Right. You go first. Oh all right then, I’ll start.

1] “…I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window…”
won by PAT. Tom Jones Delilah

2] “…have you heard, it’s in the stars, next July we collide with Mars…”
Won by PAT. Frank and Bing from Philadelphia Story

3] “R: I like the city of San Juan…A: I know a boat you can get on…”
America! From West side story!

4] “…and I ride and I ride, I ride through the city tonight…”
won by Andraste, Iggy Pop, the Passenger

5] “…I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch them gallop by..”
What a waste, Ian Drury and the Blockheads

6] “…yellow tigers crouch in jungles in her dark eyes..”
White Room by Cream

7] “…down in the valley she was saving the best for last…”
Dani California by Red hot Chilli Peppers!

8] “…cold as ice cream but still as sweet…”
won by Sam. Blodie, Sunday Girl

9] “…when your head stops, and your body is still, there ain’t no crying at [song title]” Top of the Hill, Family.

10] “…let me put my hands on you, let me put my…hands…on…you…”
Faithhealer! Alex Harvey Band

11] “…I forget myself, I want you to remind me…”
Won by andraste i touch myself by Divinyls

12] “…no more teachers, no more boooks,…”
Won by Pat. Alice Cooper School's Out.

13] “…you feel it, running through your bones…”
Jerk it out! by what they called, Caesars!

14] “…Well I hope Neil Young will remember, a southern man don’t need him around anyhow…”
Won by sam, Sweet Home Alabama, Lynyrd Skynyrd